This story about Tom and Alice shows you what a high-quality structured conversation looks like and what it can do to build trust in the relationship.
Good communication in close relationships looks like this example from a real-life conversation between Tom and Alice. It is an example of how a couple used a structured conversation method to strengthen their relationship by building closeness, connection, and trust through emotional acknowledgment.
This example conversation is practical and real, so you will understand what good communication looks like in relationships. With little explanation, this may seem unachievable for your relationship, but it is not at all.
If you look into the links, you will find explanations that will show you everything you need to be able to do this in your own relationship. Where there is a will there is hope.
Tom and Alice
Tom and Alice have a long-distance relationship. The latest call they had was generally very fine but after the conversation Tom found himself to be in a bad mood. He was not feeling very glad.
Even the next morning Tom thought quite a lot about the call and was still not in a very good mood. He went to work and after work, in the late afternoon, he noticed that his thoughts still revolved somewhat around the phone call.
Tom realized that it was mostly about one thing that Alice had said near the end of the phone call. Tom decided to talk to Alice about it. He wrote a text message to her.
“Hi pumpkin, I would like to have a close talk with you about something that I’ve been thinking about since our last call. Would it be OK for you to have that close talk tomorrow at the usual time?”
Then, Tom made it clear in his mind exactly what he was going to say. Soon Alice texted back and wrote:
“Yes of course I will participate in an important talk with you, even though I am very busy as you know, this is important for me if it is important for you :-*
The next day, before the call, Tom reminded himself that free-flow chatting as he usually used to like, would not be appropriate now that Alice is set up for some more. He reminded himself of how he wanted to present the case.
Presentation and confirmation
After opening the call with the usual greetings and quick updates they always do at their talks, Tom said:
“Yeah, As I told you, I would like to talk about something that happened last time we talked. It is something that has actually affected me quite a lot since then. Like … it’s been on my mind more than I’d like. And it has surprised me how much space it has taken.” Tom paused to give Alice a chance.
Alice said: “Okey, so I heard you say that you’d like to talk about something that happened at our last conversation and it’s been bothering your mind a lot. Is that what you said?”
Tom said: “Yes that is what I said.”
Alice thought she heard Tom sigh and she felt him hesitate. She said: “Okey, please go on, let me hear what it is.”
Tom said: “So, at the end of the call I told you about the broken taillight on my motorbike and that I wanted to do another attempt to fix it.” Tom paused again to let Alice show him if she was still listening.
For a moment it struck Alice that this was strange because this subject did not sound like anything that could possibly be important. But quickly she pushed that thought out of her mind and reminded herself that all her judgments did not belong here. She felt stronger as she reminded herself that if this was important for Tom, it was also important for her.
Alice paused until she was sure that she would be able to reply with none of her judgment left in her intonation. Then she said: “OK so you say that at the end of the talk, we had this talk about the motorbike and fixing the taillight. And you said that you wanted to try and fix it again is that what you said?”
Tom had noticed the pause of Alice and he decided to finish the presentation really quick now. He said: “Yes that was what I said. And then, what happened was that I heard you reply: ‘Yeah, you can try … but you won’t make it.’ – or something along those lines.”
As he said these words, Tom noticed that the sadness he had felt immediately took a harder grip on him.
Alice cringed and thousands of thoughts went through her head. Emotions too. As she reminded herself about her role and responsibility, she calmly said: “OK, what you say is that I replied by saying that ‘you can try, but you will not make it’. Is that what you said?”
Tom said: “Yes, that is what I said.” And he continued “That’s all. That’s what I wanted to tell.”
Emotions and feelings
Alice paused shortly, then said: “Thank you for sharing this with me. I understand that this was not at all nice for you! …. Hum, there is a lot going on inside me right now… I’d like to get it straightened out a little before I respond. Is that ok?”
Tom already felt a tiny relief. Maybe more like a hope. He could feel that Alice was doing her best to understand him and he suddenly felt he had a growing confidence in her. He had patience enough to wait for a moment and said: “Absolutely, take your time, there is no hurry.”
Alice was quiet for several seconds. She had not intended to heart him by what she said, but now she could see that she had. She did not agree with all details of how Tom had experienced what happened. But that did not matter, because this was clearly how it had been experienced by Tom. Alice knew that this talk was not about agreeing on what actually happened, it was only about understanding Tom’s emotions. Alice wanted to be supportive of Tom and how he had felt was the only thing that would matter now.
Alice then said: “I think you must have felt hurt by the comment I said. I think you must have felt that I don’t believe in you and that I don’t trust your abilities and that must be painful for you. Is that some of the feelings you have had?”
Tom said: “Yes, that is some of the feelings I had. I felt hurt and offended and mistrusted and useless….. and a failure.”
Alice thought she had gotten all of it as she said: “It made you feel hurt and mistrusted and useless – and you feel like you are a mistake.”
Tom felt a punch in the diaphragm as he heard the words from Alice. He considered it to be pretty close to what he felt and said: “Yes, that’s just about it – it’s close enough.”
Alice paused before she said: “I would like to say that I absolutely realize that you were hurt by what I said and I find it very understandable! I think I could easily feel like that in the same situation. Anyone could.”
Tom felt a strong relief. He said: “Thanks, Alice. I am glad you understand. It is a relief.”
Rounding and free-flow talk
Alice considered for a moment what to say and then continued: “I, on my side, absolutely didn’t want to be mean to you or hurt you like that. And I feel sad that I did! While sad about that, at the same time, I also feel grateful and happy that you shared this with me and for letting me be so close to you. I want to thank you for that!”
Tom said: “Thank you, Alice! I feel relief … and I feel happy that you listened to me and took it the way you did.” He smiled as he thought about her.
Alice said: “You are welcome. I am very happy that I was able to take it this way!”
Tom smiled, which Alice couldn’t see of course. He said: “You know what! I miss you a lot right now! A lot! You are a lovely woman and I feel so happy that we met!”
Alice smiled to herself and said: “Yes, it is quite amazing, isn’t it! I love you!”
“But, Tom, I think I gotta go. Mira wanted to meet me tonight. I told her that I probably couldn’t because I was going to have this talk with you, but now it seems I can meet her before it’s too late.”
As the call ended, Tom felt relief inside himself. As he went to the gym he felt a calmness and that his energy had come back to him. He thought about his Alice and their future together. He felt safe, lucky, and happy.
Further reading
To read more about the structured conversation model that Tom and Alice used, read this article or one of the other articles we have on this topic at Fit in Mind and Body.