Uncategorized – Fit in Mind and Body

A real overview of how to communicate better in a relationship is very hard to find, so I decided to make it by reviewing what a long row of practitioners and experts have said. Step-by-step improvements in your skills in communication will make you communicate better in your relationship. Realistically it is possible to obtain small improvements in skills in a short time, but significant improvements in communication will require many small increments and do require time and practice. However, in this article, you will find both an overview of the topic and some very practical next-step approaches to your communication improvement journey. Looking for simplicity When I started researching expert information about how to communicate better in relationships with your partner it quickly showed that there are as many answers to this question as there ar experts. If you have not yet run into this, you will probably soon do, unless you stay here and get the overview of the topic. A pattern of recommendations After my research, a pattern seems to emerge. The answers to the question of How to communicate better in relationships separate into different focus areas, which are probably all equally relevant to better communication. Let's look at the groups as they emerge: Careful choice of words to say - and not say Structure of "speech" - Intro, Appropriate amount of words, Make the point clear, Stay on topic etc. The setting - Arrange the dialogue intentionally (as opposed to eg. catching your partner on a left foot or impulsively emptying your mind in the face of your loved one). Non-verbal communication - Body language Importance of listening - rather than saying your message Attention to emotions What not to do - That's kind of the opposite approach In other words, communication is about The words you say, What you say to support receipt of the message, The environment you communicate in, The nonverbal, Listening, and attention to emotions. At the end of the article I will summarize, I will talk about how to start an improvement journey and I will point to a specific, practical tool that might be for some help to develop better communication in your relationship. Careful Choice of Words The advice about how to communicate better with your partner that has this focus, is dealing with words. We often tend to believe that words are the main part of communication. Sometimes it may be. The recommendations found in this group are dealing with terms like for example: Make your message short, Make it clear, Choose respectful wording, Avoid assumptions, Try to make everybody win, No blame, and Stay honest and open (also to yourself). You might take these actions to review your understanding: Check the list again and think for a minute about what each term actually means in this context in your opinion. Make examples for yourself about how it is done well and how not. Search on google to clarify terms you feel you should know better. Structure of "speech" Another important part of communication is the structure of the communication. That is about what you say in order to improve the communication beyond just the words you have chosen for your message. These things help your partner to understand and get the point of what you want to convey. Also, it helps your partner to accept what you say without getting hurt, offended, or disagreeing. Recommendations that belong to this group include terms like for example Separate observations from impressions (talk about what happened first, then about your emotions), Wrap it up to clarify, Check for confirmation of comprehension, Use "the burger" model (First say something positive, then a negative and on top another positive), avoid interruptions. The setting The setting is about choosing the right place, time, and means for the purpose. It is about giving your partner a chance to prepare for the talk just as you are preparing yourself. Reserve the timeslot in both calendars. Eliminate disturbances. Make sure you are both ready in mind and body. Focus. Sit down at a proper distance to each other. Use face-to-face conversation to convey difficult communication and not a text. If that is not possible, then slow down and be even more careful about the other groups. The non-verbal communication - Body language When the experts talk about it, non-verbal communication has a possibly bigger influence on the total communication package than all the words. Some people are much less aware of body language than others. Both what they send out and what others communicate. This group contains the tone of voice, eye contact, eye movements, fiddling with fingers, having crossed arms or legs, checking the phone, getting up and doing something else, and many other things. Importance of listening In a conversation, there is at any moment a sender and a receiver. The sender is the one who is thought to communicate by speaking, but in fact, both partners communicate. Firstly, the receiver has just as much body language as the sender. But not only that, the sender will often not understand what was sent exactly as the sender intended it to be received. Information may be missed or not heard. A sentence may have distracted the receiver so it was not noticed or the sentence may have been interpreted with a different meaning than the sender had intended. As a good rule of thumb, the sender has a similar influence over the communication as the receiver. Good listening communicates not only confirmation of understanding but also motivates to be honest and open and communicates emotional acknowledgment, trust, security, patience, encouragement, etc. These things are all part of being a good listener, which is important for communication. Attention to emotions Most of the experts I have studied agree that this is an important part of good communication in a relationship. But there is a huge difference in how large an emphasis they put to it. Some say this is alfa and omega while others seem to not pay much importance to emotions. I have listed this group of recommendations last, not because the experts seems to have different emphasis on this, but because attention to emotions is different than the groups above. This is like adding a new layer to your approach to all of the recommendations mentioned in the groups (and sections) above. Attention to emotions is not - in the same way as in the previous 5 groups - specific recommendations about what to do, but rather a shift in attention that you use while you consider your approach to the terms in all the other groups. Probably most people do not really recognize an important fact about humans. When we express our (strong) emotions and another person demonstrates to just accept, embrace and understand those feelings, our emotions will very often reduce or be easier to deal with. It is weird, but that's how it works. Particularly for relationship communication there is a huge potential. When your partner hear and experience that you understand, accepts, even appreciates, and acknowledge his or her emotions, then your partner will gain more confidence in you. That will pave the road for more openness from your partner, which - as you realize it - will make you feel trusted, possibly proud and grateful. That will increase your confidence in your partner. All of this is building trust and stronger bonds in your relationship. This is much more about emotions than about facts and information. This group is about using your words to describe your own emotions and feelings rather than only facts and information. And it is about being attentive to the feelings and emotions of your partner and show that you are. Terms for the recommendation in this group are: Notice your own emotions, Describe them, Plan words about them, Distinguish clearly, Listen to the emotions expressed, Recognize them, Mention them, Ask for and give confirmation of understanding, Acknowledge, Be non-judgemental, Show patience with the emotions. If you wonder why this is so valuable, let me just try and explain this here: If a seven years old child gets into a fight with a friend and gets terribly sad about it, it is ofc. because of strong emotions related to exactly what happened. But human brains are constructed to not stop there. We imagine what could happen and the imagination is wild! In the mind of the kid the brain creates fears of something more could happen like e.g. that from now on they will never be friends again or that tomorrow the whole school will hate me and I will be socially excluded. Both kids and adults are mostly not aware of those subconscious imaginations as they happen, but what happened in the child here was it created even stronger emotions and now the kid is crying very loudly in front of the adult - and that is you. You can take many different approaches and I will describe two of them: First approach is to investigate what happened: You will be friendly and take care of the child and then ask "what happened?". And then ask "who started?". Drill down into that by asking "what did you do before that?". What did he then say?". You may say "stop crying, it is so difficult to understand what you say". or "Look, let's go and get a lollipop, so you can become happy again". Likely the kid will get distracted by these questions and slowly the kid will cool down. But the emotions are still there and may pop up even stronger at a later occasion as imagination does its work again, uncontrolled. Another approach is to take care of the emotions of the child: Again, you will be friendly and take care of the child. Then you say with a kind smile and non-judgemental tone of voice: "Oh, dear, you are so, so, sad! (and it is totally ok!)" and two seconds later "you are crying so much!" and then "You must be terribly sad! (and it is totally ok, and I am here for you!)" You have a little pause to proof your patience. Maybe holding meanwhile. Then you ask: "Am I right that you are sad? ... Or are you also something else - maybe upset or afraid?". Now, the child will have reflection about if it is sad, angry or afraid. Then, you may have a dialogue about either emotions or some facts. But soon the negative feelings have evaporated from the child. When emotions are understood and acknowledged, they loose their grib on our mind and it looses significance for us. The child gains control. In principle there is no difference between kids and adults. We can hope and believe that adults are more familiar with own emotions, but fact is that many are not. The emotions are the same and how they build up is the same. Adults may be just as unaware of emotions as a kid, and a seven years old kid may be just as aware of the emotions as an adult is. The two approaches described above are fundamentally different. In the first approach the adult dealt with what happened. Facts and information. In the second approach the adult dealt only with the emotions. Not a word about what "happened". In quality conversations in a relationship, both emotions and factual information should be dealt with. You may have experience with only one of these approaches, but it is never too late to develop. Attention to emotions is very, very powerful! Even if you until this point did know about most of the terms mentioned, don't get frustrated if you are a bit lost here. Instead be glad, that there is a goldmine waiting for you here. What not to do Sometimes it is easier to learn about what to do or how to do something by learning what not to do. Or maybe that is just for the experts, who cannot make it clear for the rest of us what to do. Some of the expert recommendations has been in this category, but here it is included just for completeness. Summarizing I have divided all the many expert recommendations I have been able to find about how to get better communication in relationships into 6 + 1 groups. In each group, there are a number of different terms and topics. I have not drilled into any level of detail about what the terms cover and the lists are in no way complete. I have chosen this approach because I imagine that you already know many of them - and very likely some of the many, that are not mentioned. However, those you are not very aware of could be the next thing you will look into by reading other articles here on FIMAB or on other sites that you can find. How to approach your learning journey If you want to improve communication in your relationship, a good way to go about is to use the groups in the titles above to reflect and review your own skills in each group. Define one, small, achievable step to improve your communication - and make a note about it. A few things, I have learned to remember in this process are: Focus on your own skills and not the lack of your partner's. Large plans are useless in this matter. Small, repeated increments and reviews are useful. Set a reminder now, to revisit this review process again in some days or next week - just to stay in progress. Don't share your improvement plan with your partner. Your improvement is about honesty with yourself and that works much better if you don't shout out the truth (about your newly found flaws) to anyone else. Make yourself worthy of your own confidences. While not optimal, one person alone can actually develop better communication in a relationship of two. If your partner doesn't want to join you on this journey, don't let it stop you. Practical approach Another way to approach your learning journey in your communication skills is to follow a structured conversation model. That may be the easiest way to learn most of the skills that have been mentioned above - no matter if you are a beginner or already experienced. However, this method requires that both partners are involved in the learning journey to some extent. Read about the structured conversation model and what it can do HERE. Some links If you want to read more on this topic, you might want to read a few of the articles I stumbled upon during my initial research. Here are some of them: From Forbes and two experts: https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/how-to-communicate-in-a-relationship/ 7 steps advice: https://www.thinkhdi.com/library/supportworld/2015/preventing-communication-gaps.aspx 25 don'ts: https://www.bydivinedesignforwomen.com/blog/25-reasons-you-may-be-a-bad-communicator Resource pool from Australia: https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/relationships-and-communication