Better Relationship Communication

This is the way to go. Not only a simple approach below but also links to much more in-depth articles that will guide you to better relationship communication.

Better relationship communication is more easily achieved if you use a simple method that will help both of you gain good conversational skills, connect emotionally, and rebuild trust between you. While not all, most communication problems in relationships will quickly improve by dealing better with skills and emotions.

This is a very doable, short, and quick way to get started on better relationship communication. If you are both willing to give it a try, you may already be practicing better communication in just a few minutes from now.

Not for everything

Not only in romantic relationships or life partner relationships – what I discuss in this article is similarly applicable to other kinds of close relationships like for example between children and parents, other relatives, or close friendships.

The approach we will learn about is NOT for use in situations or with people where you shouldn’t or would normally not share emotional openness. It is not directly applicable with most or all friends, neighbors, colleagues, managers, or customers. Until you learned it well, I suggest you stay with a trusted partner.

The approach is for relationships where both parties are willing to involve in building better and stronger bonds in the relationship in order to make the relationship better. This means that you and your partner must willingly want to give it a try.

A simple example is to be found in the lowest end of the article. But first some things it is better to be aware of.

Communication in relationships

According to research, communication is one of the main reasons for difficulties in relationships and will show up as many different symptoms, which is obviously what many will notice and observe.

Examples of symptoms of communication difficulties: Loss of feelings of attraction, conflicts, irritation, disrespectful behavior, not listening, forgetfulness, spending more time at work, with other family or friends, disagreements, children, home cores, and many more. All symptoms can originate from other underlying problems than poor communication.

You may believe that the symptoms you see originate from something else, but experience indicates that the cause can likely be identified as poor communication.

Communication in a close relationship is different from many other types of conversations in our lives – especially from all our professional conversations. It is because in relationships it is necessary that the communication has a good amount of “emotional connection” in order to be good enough to maintain the relationship. Herein is the underlying problem for many communication issues in relationships. Not all obviously.

What it is

A conversation in a relationship can be really good or really bad or anything in between. the difference between them is what each of us chooses to do and not do. But our choices are heavily influenced by our emotions, so it’s already doomed to go wrong, right? Further, our choices are limited by our habits and by our knowledge, skills, and capability. As you can see, most of us have many lacks that will keep us away from having a really good conversation on demand. And if we don’t spoil an attempt ourselves, our partner might do it.

The method we are going to learn about will guide you to do the right things to make a very good conversation. While doing that, you will be assisted to connect emotionally. Step by step you will build skills and knowledge and thereby break bad habits and substitute them with new ones. Results will start to show from day one. But first, some basics you both have to realize.

The chain reaction of emotional communication

Now let’s imagine a very good conversation with our nearest. One of those close talks that build up strong bonds and connection and makes the relationship stronger. Let’s look at what happens for us as it is ongoing.

As we have the conversation, we all have this circular chain reaction going on inside us – no matter if you are aware of it or not. It goes something like this (simplified).

When I tell you something and I experience that you hear me and emotionally understand me, there will happen something like this inside of me (simplified).

I will …

feel a bit more respected and
feel a bit safer which makes me
gain confidence in you, which can give me
the courage to be
more open (“open up”) and be
more emotionally honest (“be vulnerable”) to you

Now, the process starts over again at a new level. I will – now or later – tell you something more, something more significant and the process will happen again, but with more of everything – more confidence, openness, and honesty.

Normally, what then happens inside you is that, as you experience that I open up and show you confidence, and as you get a new understanding from what I told you, you will have something to tell me.

Following that, the same process starts over again, but this time inside you.

What can go wrong

This positive, circular process of building trust and connection will reverse or break down at any time if we meet inattention, non-listening, disrespect in words or body language, judgments, lack of acknowledgment of our emotions, and many other things.

How to do it – a simple example

So, let’s take an example. Tom and Alice is in a relationship and both know the structured conversation model. Tom was hurt by something Alice said the other day and decides to talk with her about it. But as for now, they only agree on a time to talk about it.

Tom prepares exactly what he will say. Alice prepares by reminding herself about the principles of the structured conversation model.

When they sit down to talk, Tom presents the situation and tells Alice what happened in the actual situation.

Then, Alice mechanically repeats what Tom told her. In this way, Alice gives Tom assurance so he can gain confidence that she listened well. Also, they can clear out any misunderstandings or assumptions on either Tom or Alice’s end of the communication.

Note that until now, there has been said nothing about how Tom felt about the situation. All words were only about what actually happened – and as short as possible. But that comes now.

Now, Alice makes her best guess about the emotions that Tom could have felt in the situation. She does her best to imagine how Tom might have felt. She uses her most precise words to describe his feelings in 1-4 terms.

Tom now describes his emotions in the situation while using the most precise words he can.

Alice now repeats those words. They cooperate to clear up misunderstandings.

Tom confirms.

Now they have finished the essential core of the conversation and they may finish here.

Confused about what happened? See below.

More on top

Most likely, both Tom and Alice will feel a stronger connection between them at this point.

However, Alice might add more acknowledgment and appreciation on top, if she can while remaining completely honest. The more the better.

Alice will probably thank Tom for sharing this with her. Maybe thank him for opening up about his feelings. Maybe she realizes that Tom just enlightened her about the situation and she will thank Tom for that. In case she actually feels just as Tom told her that he felt, Alice will let Tom know, as he will then feel even more acknowledged, “heard”, “seen” or understood.

Tom will similarly thank Alice for doing her best to listen and understand. Maybe he honestly feels that she did listen and understand very well and he can thank her for that. Maybe he can thank her for having received it well.

You can read a full version of Tom and Alice’s talk in another article here.

What happened

In this conversation, Tom and Alice used a model for a structured conversation, that ruled out what they were supposed to say and when. This way, they avoid walking up the conflict stairs and they get direct assistance to deal with emotions. This way it is a good help to build their relationship stronger. Both Tom and Alice find great help from this approach. It works for them.

The structure Tom and Alice followed can be described in three steps:

Preparation
Presentation with confirmation of understanding
Guess of emotions or feelings with confirmation and acknowledgment.