Want to learn about structured conversations – without paying a fortune for a therapist? Yes, it is possible and you can find and learn everything you need to know here.
In relationships, a structured conversation can significantly improve trust and connection. Both new and senior couples find great help in using a suitable model for structured conversations and that is both in times of trouble and in ongoing everyday life communication due to the qualities the model adds to the relationship.
Below you will find an overview and detailed information about structured conversations in relationships as well as documentation for why a structured conversation model is a valid tool for any relationship which isn’t always all sunshine and roses.
What is a structured conversation model?
A structured conversation is when you follow a specific structure for the conversation you have. For example, I know structured conversations from job interviews and medical consultations. And from certain meetings such as weekly status meetings at the workplace, parent meetings at school, board meetings, and general assembly meetings. They can follow a fixed order of what is being talked about and often also who is saying something and to some extent exactly what they are saying. If you’ve tried it, you know what I mean.
But are structured conversations also suitable for a close and difficult conversation with your loved one?
In a conversation in a relationship, there are very unique requirements for what needs to be talked about and the way it is done in order for the communication to be good for both partners. In particular, the requirements for emotional content and the establishment of a sense of closeness or “connectedness” are special and important. It is not necessarily easy to do. I guess most of us are by default not very good at it. Actually, this is a key problem for many couples in which one of the partners sometimes feels the communication in the relationship is poor. Since it is difficult, many assume it cannot be handled better with something as simple as a structured conversation model. Others have a perception that emotional connection impossibly can be established through a “technical” structure. However, that may seem a little strange, since every touching movie we see is created as a structured conversation – in a script. Why should it not work?
There is a special form of structured conversation, which is specially designed for difficult conversations in relationships. All over the world, there are many who have been greatly helped by this type of conversation.
Better or worse
A short search can make it clear that there are plenty of testimonies about how a structured conversation can be very suitable for this purpose. However, here at FIMAB, we decided to examine a version of the structured conversation model to see how it actually complies with the many good recommendations that are available from experienced experts in relationship communication.
Examination
This section is for those of you who are interested in how we conducted the examination. We wanted to compare the range of coverage of the two following frameworks for better communication in relationships:
- Established and recognized recommendations for getting better communication in a relationship by improvement of elements of the communication. Such recommendations are described in the article “experts’ best advice”. A link is below.
- Our structured conversation model. Also linked below.
We wanted to investigate to what extent the structured conversation takes care of the 50 concepts that the experts recommend dealing with.
First, we listed the concepts we know from the article mentioned under (1) above and identified each concept with keywords to facilitate analysis. In some places, we had to divide concepts from the article into sub-concepts as we found that the sources for the article had gathered several concepts under one term. This resulted in a list of 50 concepts.
Next, we took a fresh look at our structured conversation model (2) by breaking it down into individual, small steps. The breakdown should enable us to identify the specific function of each step. It required a lot of consideration because the model is not divided into single steps originally. We considered which function each step has for both the sender and receiver in the conversation and how each step affects the dynamics and interaction between the two partners. We arrived at a division into 30 steps, each of which has a limited number of specific functions for the conversation.
We set up a matrix between the two lists and set out to analyze each of the 30 steps. One by one, we identified which of the experts’ 50 concepts are brought into focus, practiced, rehearsed, and developed in that step.
Results of the survey
To be quite honest, I was a bit blown away by the results that the study showed us:
- Each and every one of the 30 steps of the structured conversation effectively serves at least one, but most often several, of the 50 expert concepts and terms.
- All of the 50 expert concepts are handled by at least one, but most often by several of the 30 steps in the structured conversation.
In other words, it means that:
- Each and every step of the structured conversation effectively addresses each part of what experts identify as the most important parts of a relationship conversation.
- Each and every one of the concepts that experts have identified as important for conversations in relationships is handled by one or more steps in the structured conversation model.
The results speak for themselves very clearly: The structured interview completely covers all the recommendations that can be gathered from a large number of experts in relationship communication.
The experience
The practical experience with structured conversations in relationships shows that it is possible to start practicing the method without knowing much about what you are doing. At the same time practicing provides the users with a direct experience of benefits. The process works for the better of the relationship – step by step. Many discover through practical use of the method the function and significance of each individual step. Thereby the user builds up knowledge and understanding of the elements of communication. But the results arrive first.
In this way, the structured conversation differs from studying and learning the individual concepts from communication science one by one. There, the practice and results always come later in the process.
What are the benefits?
By following a structured interview model, you can skip the study time and go directly to practical exercise at the level you are now at. For most couples, this means that you immediately experience a change, which is very often liberating and uplifting and creates optimism. Couples who are stuck in a bad form of communication often find very quickly that they are not stuck anymore, so they can start moving forward and see new possibilities – together. While practicing the structured conversation, you will slowly gain an understanding of what is going on. Eg. can partners who have not previously had experience with talking about feelings suddenly practice it and experience how it affects their partner in a valuable and important way. Practice comes first, while knowledge and understanding are connected afterward.
The structured conversation is good for difficult conversations and for establishing empathy and support between the partners. Confidence and trust follow next. But there are limitations to a structured conversation and it is not for everyone. The next sections look closer at that.
Limitations
The limitations of structured conversations in relationships are i.a.
- The structured conversation is extensive and therefore not suitable for lighter conversation. If the topic you bring up is too light, the conversation seems ridiculous. Shrug and smile about it. Try again with a more difficult matter.
- The conversation model is unbalanced. This means that you have to take turns having the two roles. If you don’t, you will create a new problem.
- If one party has an agenda of wanting to make an agreement or obtain a commitment from the other, it can rightly be perceived as an abuse of an imbalance and you create a new, heavy problem in the relationship.
Not for everyone
A structured conversation is not for everyone. Working with the structured conversation model requires that both parties have agreed that this is what we do. Both parties must adhere to the model and familiarize themselves with the most basic aspects of the model.
If you want to use the structured conversation model, but your partner does not accept to use it, you cannot start it.
Links as promised
Here are the two links I announced above:
LINK to the article with a summary of several experts’ best advice and 50 concepts here.
LINK to the article about the structured conversation model mentioned above.