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Best complete and free guide with 6 easy steps. Recognized method and widely used by coaches and therapists. Whether you are newbies or an "old couple", you can go from 0 to 100 with this approach. Follow this structured method to have quality conversations with your partner. It is a recognized and very potent method for building trust and bonds in your relationship through quality conversations. The method is a tool for you, who want a stronger and closer relationship with less conflict. In this article, you will find everything you will need to both start, continue and excel in practitioning quality conversations in your relationship. No hidden information and no naively short guidelines. Read on ... The Structured Conversation Method By following these steps, you can have real quality conversations with your partner. Partners in relationships will be able to connect deeper and more through better communication. If this method is too specific for you, consider reading another article about more general principles of proper partnership communication here (opens in new tab). This structured conversation model is a complete, easy-to-use step-by-step guide to very good, emotionally connected conversations, even if one or both of you have very little interest or skills in the area. Below, you will get the details, but first, an overview of the steps in the method: Preparation Presentation of the topic or issue. Person A talks about the chosen issue while person B listens. Confirmation of understanding. Person B expresses an understanding of the issue. Person A confirms. Acknowledgment and recognition of emotions. Person B describes the perceived emotions of Person A. Then, Person A confirms and elaborates. The free-flow part of the conversation Here, the conversation can take different directions and forms. But stay on topic. You can stop. Or take a break. Or you can focus on giving care to your partner. Less likely you may add more information to the same topic or you may want to go into a resolution mode. Individual Reflection Give yourself attention. Both of you, individually. Notice your own emotions and thoughts. Call it a moment of your own, self-care, mindfulness, or meditation as you want. That's it. For some people, it may be hard to see the point of having a dialogue in this way. Also, learning to use this model and let a conversation follow this structure is - to some - a little difficult to begin with. For others, it is very easy to have conversations with this model. As in many other areas in life, learning "how to do" is one thing, but getting skilled is another. However, practice will quickly pay back with this model, and even after just a few times through this process, you will see why it is a significant tool for your relationship. It will likely become a permanent key tool in your love book and relationship. Many couples who have experienced this method have permanently removed their communication struggles because the principles herein have merged into everyday communication and improved openness, attention, empathy, and care in most of their everyday communication. Before starting to practice with this model, there are some pre-conditions and preparations that need to be taken care of. What it is The "Walnut Talks" structured conversation model is a little weird. It is in fact an incomplete manuscript, where you are going to fill in the blanks. It dictates - only a few - words that you and your partner are supposed to say. And quite surprisingly that does the magic. It is a vehicle for openness, focused listening, feeling understood, and for understanding the other. These things built up trust, which in turn brings along a bunch of other good things. What the process does for you is to take you by the hand and lead you straight into an emotional connection to your loved one. Because it is super structured - at least in the first part - I would say that not least people who are good at structure, logic, and systems, will, in this way have a very accessible way into a good emotional connection to their partner. Probably it cannot be any easier, especially for those who don't have much interest or talent in the emotional thing. But how can the Walnut Talk method do the magic? Let me suggest you think about it this way: When you or your partner watch a good movie with a moving scene, viewers of that movie will mostly be moved by exactly that scene. In many cases, it will happen again when seeing that movie for the second or fifth time. Even if you don't really want to get emotional, it still happens. Why is that? In very short, the manuscript is designed and constructed with components that will make the viewer feel touched and connected with the situation. These guys know how to do that. A bit similar, the Walnut Talks structured dialogue is a manuscript designed to make the two participants feel connected by saying words that do exactly that for them. No need to mention that a good actor can make the scene very touching and a poor actor can ruin the whole thing. Worth remembering as you practice. The Walnut Talk is a method that ensures that one of you (person A) ... can talk about something without interruption, be listened to, be understood, and (most important) have the related emotions understood, recognized, and acknowledged. Done properly this builds up a feeling of security and trust between you, which strengthens your relationship and reduces conflict. Btw. the next time you will switch roles, so the balance is maintained. It is widely recognized that sufficient communication is likely the most important element in a healthy relationship. And excellent communication is a gift for close connection, happiness, and love. Oppositely poor communication is one of the main reasons for reaching out for therapeutic assistance and why people want to leave a relationship. Poor communication hurts, stresses, and - well, doesn't give much happiness. Admittedly, there are other elements competing for being most important. However, the fact is that if one of you - your partner or you - finds that this is an area that needs improvement in your relationship, it is per definition already important for both of you ... That is if you intend to live in a good and supportive relationship. Many adults have never really thought about or dealt much with the emotional connection between themselves and other people. If you have a partner like that, you have to pay careful attention to the fact that this process is not necessarily easy for your partner even if you find it straightforward. Having said that, this method for quality conversations is possibly still the easiest available. To get more of an understanding what a conversation like this looks like and why it works so well, you may want to read a real practical example in another article here. Prerequisites As you consider getting started on quality conversations using Walnut Talks there are a few things you should consider. General conditions related to trust, respect, focus, etc. are very important for any proper communication and must be present and cared for to the best of your capabilities - not less in Walnut Talks. Before you can bring the Walnut Talk method into your relationship, it is necessary that you and your partner first agree on it. How exactly you do that is something you have to consider, but be very aware that any kind of "tricking" your partner into a Walnut Talk will not work, because trust will suffer and so will any benefit you could get from this. But there is another reason as well. Before, I said that a poor actor could ruin a good movie scene. The same goes here: If you do not have a commitment from your partner, he or she may - intentionally or unintentionally - act very poorly and it may end up being a bad experience for both of you. Focus your effort on getting a commitment until it is present. It may take some time and that is ok. Rome wasn't built in a day. 1. Preparation Finally, you are ready to start the Walnut Talk process. The preparation steps for the Walnut Talk are as follows: The Person who takes the initiative is the one who feels a need to talk about a certain topic. It may be person A or B in the model above, but to begin with, let's assume it is person A. This person must consider which single topic it is - only one! In many cases, there will be several topics in your mind, but you have to go through a process to realize what is the single one you want to address and talk about. The others must wait till another time, another day. I strongly suggest you write the topic on a note. Topics that are unsuited for a Walnut Talk are if you want to achieve something other than understanding from your partner. If you want your partner to take on a responsibility or do something for you, leave the topic alone. When you prepare, try and keep these things in mind: Try avoiding any blame or criticism of your partner. A good way to do this is to first talk about (a) the facts, that your partner will totally agree with. If you can stay with that, it is good. If you absolutely have to, you can secondly talk about (b) your observations or assumptions that your partner may not agree with, and finally (c) very briefly mention one of your emotions or feelings related. Better though that you leave it to your partner to make a guess that is spot on. An example of how this could look like: "... (a) We sat next to each other on the bench .... (b) I felt I noticed that you moved away from me when I started talking about my brother's illness .... (c) and following that, I felt sad - actually much more than I would have liked.". Notice that first, I talked about facts that no one would agree to (a), then about what I felt or noticed, and then (c) how my emotions were. While talking about (b) and (c) you will try to choose your words so that it is very clear that you are talking about yourself. What you saw, what you observed, noticed, got the impression of, etc. In this way, you will allow room for your partner to have seen the situation differently. Next in the preparation step, you will book a timeslot with your partner. It is like a meeting. It looks like this: "Hey Duran, I would like to have this Walnut Talk with you. It is about something I have had on my mind since last week, which I would like you to know about. Can we do that on Tuesday from 7 to 8:30 pm, here in the kitchen?" It is the responsibility of both of your to remember and ofc. to respect the agreed timeslot like it was the most important meeting you ever had. It may be, actually. Just before the agreed time, you meet as agreed. Ask each other if you are good and ok and ready. Don't bring up any other topics. Turn off the phones and anything that could disturb you. Arrange two comfortable chairs at a distance and an angle. 2 m distance is fine for some. Sit down, and rest. Breathe deeply a couple of times. Zoom in and focus. The structured part of the conversation 2. Presentation of the topic or issue Person A, who called for the meeting and has the topic on mind, introduce the talk by saying something like: "I asked for this Walnut Talk because ....." The next to be said is 100% yours and can be any kind of content. Literally, there are millions of different things that may be said. One different example looks like this: "... something has been on my mind for a while and I would like to share that with you and my hope is that you will understand that it takes up a lot of space in me - and why..." And person A continues to talk about that ONE topic, she/he wanted to address and prepared for. It should be about a paragraph in length. Stay on topic and don't add more. Avoid unessential details. Avoid blame. Avoid imposing views or opinions on your partner, who most likely does not see the situation the way you do. Respect that this story is only about how you saw this situation. Finish by saying "That was what I wanted to say". Meanwhile, person B listens and only listens. Avoid comments and minimize sounds or facial expressions. Especially any kind of negative judgemental bodily expressions should be avoided. Just listen carefully. The presentation of the topic is only about what Person Person A has to say. 3. Confirmation of understanding Person B may be in a struggle at this moment. But person B now tries to find the courage to be impressed by the effort and courage this has just required for your partner. Maybe a few moments or some deep breaths may be required. But, it may also be immediately easy to move on. When ready, person B expresses appropriate gratitude for the openness and then continues to repeat what was said this way: "Thanks for sharing this with me. What I heard you say, was..." followed by the most exact repetition of what was said - and finish by saying: "Was that what you wanted to say?". Person A now says one of the following: "Yes, that was what I wanted to say." or "Yes, that was (very) close to what I wanted to say, but I also wanted to say, was ..." and then repeat what he / she already had said. (NB. No new words, no new wordings!), or "No, it was not exactly what I said. What I meant to say was that ...." and then repeat what you planned to say - maybe a bit shorter or clearer. After potentially repeating step 3. above a number of times to get to confirmation, you move on to the next step. 4. Acknowledgment and recognition of emotions. Person B now says: "Ok, I understand. Thank you for letting me know about this." And person B now makes a guess about the emotions of person A and says for example: "I can imagine that you must have felt ...." and describe a couple of emotions of person A in the described situation. Ends by asking: "Are these some of the emotions you have / had?" Person A says either: "Not exactly, I actually feel more ..." and then mentions the emotions experienced, or "Yes, that is how I feel.". Maybe add "I also feel ..." and mention additional emotions experienced. Person B now says: "Ok, so, you feel ..." - and repeat the emotions mentioned - "... Was that how you felt?" After potentially repeating point 4. above a number of times to get to confirmation, it's time to relax the - until here - strict structure of the conversation as you move on to the next step. Getting very emotional is very common at this point. Take care of each other! 5. The free-flow part of the conversation After this, the Walnut Talk can take different shapes depending on what you feel like doing. Some steps that may work for you are: A break This is a step that can actually be applied at any step above if needed. A break is some minutes to deal with own emotions and feelings alone because it is getting too difficult to handle the emotions at the moment. A break in this context is not to reply to a text message, make a call, watch some videos, or snap. If you need a break, you say "Let us take a break now, I need it." And the other person replies "Yes, ok, let's do that." If one of the persons needs to leave the room, then try and say it before doing so. Say "I have to deal with these emotions alone for a while, so I gotta go to ..." or if you can't, then maybe just squeeze out " gotta go " while you run out if that is what you can do. Meanwhile, the other person can try and imagine the magnitude of these emotions and the difficulties your partner is having right now. Find your inner calm concern and acceptance rather than irritation or frustration. Think for a moment if this situation might be a topic you want to bring up in your next Walnut Talk. Stop here In most cases, the Walnut Talk ends here. You have dealt with the issue and the emotions related have been acknowledged. You have connected in a quality manner and some afterthought together or individually will do good. You did the best you could and remember that Rome was not built in one night! Care Moment Even if you stop here, you may at this point have the privilege to get a chance to show some care for your partner, and then this should be the way to go. Call it the day for the Walnut Talk method and just give you some time to care for each other. Adding more If person B has the impression there is more for person A, than what has been mentioned so far AND person B has more energy / resources available right now, then person B can invite for more of the same by saying: "Is there more you would like to add to what you have told me - either now or at another later time?" Person A replies "No, there is no more" OR says something like e.g. "Yes, actually, I can feel there is more to it, but this moves away from the topic, so let me just think for a sec if I prefer to take it later as a separate talk". Resolution The Walnut Talk is not suitable for making an agreement or for rational problem-solving. The Walnut Talk is suitable for creating openness about emotions between partners who are both willing to do that. However, as an example, person B may feel urged to find a solution to a problem that has been presented during the Walnut Talk. This is not at all the purpose of the Walnut Talk and very possibly it could feel hurtful or respectless to person A to go into that kind of dialogue after the Walnut Talk. Recall that simply by listening and acknowledging emotions, problems may vanish. Therefore, it is important to approach resolution mode with some care. Person B can say e.g.: "I feel urged to ask you this: Would you like to talk about resolutions (to ....) ?" Person A replies something along the lines of: "No, thank you. This is still mine, but I am happy that you took the time to get involved in this issue. Maybe later, I may come back and ask for a resolution and your help. How do you feel when I say that?" Person B listens and understands. Acknowledge that it is all fine with you. If you want to propose it again tomorrow, then do it - tomorrow. Keep arguments for why resolution searching makes sense for you until tomorrow or later. Respect the first reply and make it clear that the door is open anytime later. Another situation may be that person A wants to go into resolution mode and talk about a solution. It could be e.g. agreeing on some actions. Here, the same approach as above applies as well. Recall that during the preparation step 1, you should have abandoned topics that were actually targeting results, negotiations, etc. 6. Individual Reflection When the Walnut Talk process has finished, I will recommend adding one more step in order to profit maximum from the process. This is not really the two of you and it is not related to the quality conversation itself. This is about your own understanding of yourself, which will help you and your relationship in the future. But first, you have to make sure that the two of you agree that it is comfortable to move away from each other and focus on yourself individually. This is what you do: One of you - typically the one who is most affected by the talk - says: "Shall we rest for a moment before we finish?" The other person replies with either "I am not yet ready for that..." or "Yes, let's do that" in which case you both ... ... sit down and rest. Close your eyes for a minute or two and focus on how you feel. On your bodily feelings. On your emotions. Whatever they are, they are ok, true, and relevant! Do not judge them whatever they are. Are you upset or relaxed or something in between? Are you feeling tired or exhausted? Do you feel relief? Hope? You can also try and imagine how you see your partner. During the next days and on your own, use these observations and your curiosity to answer these questions: Why did I feel like that? Why did I get those thoughts? What is the topic that I will bring up next time? Obviously, this step is something you can do on your own regardless of whether your partner does it or not. Remember - both of you - that these emotions are your private property. However, openness about them does lead in the direction of a healthier relationship and personal development. I hope this article will give you a flying start and long-term improvements with quality conversations in your relationship. All the best! Pete

Welcome to the Fit in Mind and Body website!

Remaining fit in both mind and body is a challenge for many. Here, you will find inspiration, ideas and real practical guidance - but it is under construction as you can see. Just don't forget to come back later ...

Remaining fit in both mind and body is a challenge for many. Here, you will find inspiration, ideas and real practical guidance - but it is under construction as you can see. Just don't forget to come back later ...

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